Potent Quotables

Trebek: “Welcome back to Jeopardy: Literal Edition with our contestants Pope Benedict XVI, President Bush, and a representative from the Militant Muslims Anti-Defamation League. Pope Benedict, since you are infallable, pick a category.”

Benedict: “I’ll take ‘Potent Quotables’ for ‘Jihad,’ Alex.”

Trebek: “Alright – and that’s our Daily Trouble, which today will focus on the Middle East. And everyone please remember to write down your answer in the form of a Medieval and religiously incendiary quote.

The answer is: A great thing to say when trying to open up peaceful interreligious discussion. You have 30 seconds.”

…

“Time’s up, let’s start with you, Mr. President. You wrote: What is ‘Get ‘r Done?’
I’m afraid that’s incorrect. We said a ‘Medieval and religiously incendiary quote,’ not a ‘Larry the Cable Guy quote.’”

Bush: “I didn’t write that.”

Trebek: “Um… with all due respect, yes you did. We saw you.”p>

Bush: “C’mon, fella: be a uniter, not a divider.”

Trebek: “Moving on: Pope Benedict, you wrote: What is: ‘Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached?’

That is correct! MMADL representative, let’s see what you wrote: What is: 'I’m going to kill you.' That is not only incorrect, but amusingly ironic in light of the Pope’s quote – Pope Benedict you have won today’s Daily Trouble and the Jihad that goes along with it. We’ll be right back with more Jeopardy after this…”

New Name

Seeing as no one has said anything derogatory about the new name, I assume it is alright for us to go with. So, this is the last chance to say anything. I am going to change the url sometime tomorrow or whenever I get around to it to thepierianspring.blogspot.com. If you dont say anything I will assume you are just going to say something later and I will have to change it again.

Let Nietzsche tell you!

From Human, All-Too-Human:
92
How little the world would look moral without forgetfulness! A poet might say that God made forgetfulness the guard he placed at the threshhold of human dignity.

From Mixed Opinions and Maxims:

130

Readers' bad manners.-- A reader is doubly guilty of bad manners against the author when he praises his second book a the expense of the first (or vice versa) and then asks the author to be grateful for that.

137

The worst readers.-- The worst readers are those who proceed like plundering soldiers: they pick up a few things they can use, soil and confuse the rest, and blaspheme the whole.

145

Value of honest books.-- Honest books make the reader honest, at least by luring into the open his hatred and aversion which his sly prudence otherwise knows how to conceal best. But against a book one lets oneself go, even if one is very reserved toward people.

157

Sharpest criticism.-- One criticizes a person, a book, most sharply when one pictures their ideal.

168

Praise of aphorisms.-- A good aphorism is too hard for the tooth of time and is not consumed by all millennia, although it serves every time for nourishment: thus it is the great paradox of literature, the intransitory amid the changing, the food that always remains esteemed, like salt, and never loses its savor, as even that does.

200

Original.-- Not that one is the first to see something new, but that one sees as new what is old, long familiar, seen and overlooked by everybody, is what distinguishes truly original minds. The first discoverer is ordinarily that wholly common creature, devoid of spirit and addicted to fantasy--accident.

251

In parting.-- Not how one soul comes close to another but how it moves away shows me their kinship and how much they belong together.

404

How duty acquires splendor.-- The means for changing your iron duty to gold in everybody's eyes is this: always keep a little more than you promise.

From The Wanderer and His Shadow:

194

Dreams.-- On the rare occasions when our dreams succeed and achiever perfection--most dreams are bungled--they are symbolic chains of scenes and images in place of a narrative poetic language; they circumscribe our experiences or expectations or situations with such poetic boldness and decisiveness that in the morning we are always amazed at ourselves when we remember our dreams. We use up too much artistry in our dreams--and therefore often are impoverished during the day.

202

Tourists.-- They climb mountains like animals, stupid and sweating; one has forgotten to tell them that there are beautiful views on the way up.

203

End and goal.-- Not every end is the goal. The end of a melody is not its goal; and yet: as long as the melody has not reached its end, it also hasn't reached its goal. A parable.

249

Positive and negative.-- This thinker needs nobody to refute him: for that he suffices himself.

297

Not to wish to see too soon.-- As long as one lives through an experience, one must surrender to the experience and shut one's eyes instead of becoming an observer immediately. For that would disturb the good digestion of the experience: instead of wisdom one would acquire indigestion.

302

How one tries to improve bad arguments.-- Some people throw a bit of their personality after their bad arguments, as if that might straighten their paths and turn them into right and good arguments--just as a man in a bowling alley, after he has let go of the ball, still triest to direct it with gestures.

307

When taking leave is needed.-- From what you would know and measure, you must take leave, at least for a time. Only after having left town, you see how high its towers rise above the houses.

323

Remorse.-- Never give way to remorse, but immediately say to yourself: that would merely mean adding a second stupidityto the first.-- If you have done harm, see how you can do good.--If you are punished for your actions, bear the punishment with the feeling that you are doing good--by deterring others from falling prey to the same folly. Every evildoer who is punished may feel that he is a benefactor of humanity.

333

Dying for the "truth."- We should not let ourselves be burnt for our opinions: we are not that sure of them. But perhaps for this: that we may have and change our opinions.

Blog Name Change

What do people think about "The Pierian Spring"? as a new blog name. Straight out of Pope: "A little learning is a dangerous thing; / Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring: / There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, / And drinking largely sobers us again."

Truth, Fiction, Whatever

The recurring scenario:
"So, you have a year left in college?"
"Yup."
"Do you know what you're majoring in yet?"
"Yes, I am an English major."
"Oh, so you're going to teach?"
"No."
"Well, what are you going to do then?"
"I want to be a writer."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
silence
"You're serious?"
"Yes."
"Ok, then what are you going to write? Novels? Movie scripts?"
"Well, what I'm most interested in is Creative Nonfiction--"
"Oh so you mean lies? You're going to write lies?"
"No..."
"Well, then how is it creative if it's true?"

And such is the strife I endure whenever I try to explain to anyone what it is exactly that I believe Creative Nonfiction to be. I guess I have to be honest and admit that it is kind of a bullshit genre, consisting loosely of memoirs, travel essays, interviews, and feature pieces (which are usually analogized as glorified magazine articles), but it is still, arguably, the fastest growing and most publishable genre, as well as the most varied.

When I say "varied," what I really mean is that most of it is pure crap, but lots of it is really, really interesting. Some notable writers of Creative Nonfiction are David Sedaris, Annie Dillard, Paul Theraux, Bruce Chatwin, and Bill Bryson. Their published books cover topics such as home, childhood, travel and writing, and are all really good.

What sets Creative Nonfiction apart from Fiction is that, while it too is stylistically polished and actually enjoyable to read, it documents in truth actual events that actually happened to actual real people. Some may say that this is too confining of a limitation to give to Creative Nonfiction, but they are just lazy. Creative Nonfiction is such because it relies on fact, the author's interpretation of the facts, and the reader's interpretation of both the facts and they author's personal bias. Even though some leniency should be provided to the writer for their interpretation, there is a big difference between personal interpretation of real events and people, and total fabrication of events and people. "Art is a lie that tells the truth" because art, in itself, is not substantial, not because it deceives. In Creative Nonfiction, the art or artifice--the lie that tells the truth--is the committing of actual things to paper. The same goes for Fiction: meaning lies not in the fictional nature of the characters; meaning is in what they do and think and say and react.

I think that it is important to understand, then, that in all prose, fiction or non, it doesn't matter, when trying to find truth and meaning, whether the things that happened are real or not. So then why does it matter that Nonfiction be true, if truth is not reliant on factisimilitude? The reason why is matters, and the reason why I am so drawn to Creative Nonfiction, is that there is so much to learn from real people and their actual experiences. It is the artistic rendering of history and when it's done really well, it can pack a double punch, teaching in the way that fiction does as well as the way that a text book does. And yes, art should teach. Not necessarily teach lessons, but it should teach about the world and about the self in a way that causes everyone to look at things differently and more clearly. Otherwise, what's the point? Even abstract expressionism (and I don't mean that to say that it is a lesser art form, only that it is purely form, and therefore less likely to teach a lesson in the traditional sense than any other kind of art) evokes emotion that causes it's viewer to reevaluate they way he or she looks at life.

So, back to why Creative Nonfiction should be factual. All human experience is formative, and real (that is to say, factual) human experience is, in my experience, the most formative. Creative Nonfiction has become an important part of literary culture in it's ability to teach and inform without being didactic and tiresome (even though most of it is bad and therefore didactic and tiresome). Within my own ethical constructs, I believe that you should not teach by saying that things are true unless they really are. Call me old fashioned, but I think that telling the truth is very important. Part of the meaning that lies in all Creative Nonfiction is the fact that it is true, and I don't know why this is. On the one hand, it doesn't matter at all--the story could be totally made up and yet the meaning would remain--but at the same time, it is the entire meaning--that this real thing happened to this real person, "It could happen to you!" and this is how it really affected them.

I guess that this then begs the question of whether or not Creative Nonfiction is art or not, to which I would say that I don't have a clue, and I am haunted by the distinct possibility of my beloved literary genre being nothing more than glorified journalism. Could I be more self-contradictory, you ask? Probably, but it might be difficult. But I am not going for water-tight here, I am going for deeper understanding. So please, please shove your fists through the holes in my theory. What I am hoping is that by being shown how wrong I am about Creative Nonfiction, I will be able to figure out what it is and therefore be able to write it better. (First I may need to learn grammar, but no matter.)

The pope fueling the fire of judgment

Seeing as the past few posts have been largely on themes of eschatology, I would love to report on the latest "next step to Armageddon." And no, my Southern Baptist readers, I'm not talking about the gays. Sorry to disappoint.

Martin Luther once said that Mohammed -- commonly known as the Antichrist in most 16th century theological circles -- was actually not nearly evil enough to qualify for such an admittedly prestigious title. He bumped Mohammed down to second place, in favor of his own favorite candidate for that exotic title "Whore of Babylon," Pope Julius II.

Well I don't really feel qualified to rule in either the Pope or Mohammed's favor for this contest of unChristian infamy. But when the two are at loggerheads, we know things are bound to get pretty spicy. And apparently that is the state of affairs today.

Pope Benedict, while visiting his fatherland Germany, that bastion of Aryan purity, delivered a lovely academic piece to his pale-faced flock on the theme of Faith and Reason. You see, he's really wanting to reach out to those skeptical nihilists of the post-War West. So, naturally, he decided to give a little history lesson on the origin of all those silly syllogisms that agnostic Europeans throw around now-a-days. He wanted to show them that they owe their Western philosophical systems to Christian intellectuals of the past.

Sounds fair enough, especially when we hear that in the middle of his speech, the Pope decided to quote a medieval emperor who, writing to a Persian intellectual in the 14th century, wrote:

"Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as the command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."

Now if that quote does not relate to the problem of Secularism in Western Europe, I don't know what does.

For some strange reason, however, this quote managed to piss off the entire Muslim world (except, I hear, certain British Muslim enclaves, but they're about as Muslim as most Western Europeans are Christian, so they don't count).

Benedict's fall guy, the predictably Italian Legate Lombardi, tried to explain that the pope wasn't talking about Muslims. Obviously he was talking about the faithless malaise in Europe. He was trying to show Europeans that violent fanaticism does not necessarily have to go hand in hand with Christian faith (thus the quote served the same purpose that an "ahem...unlike other religions we know, wink, wink" would have). Even still my dear readers, in the pope's defense, do you not see that provoking the Islamic civilization is really the only way we can keep ours from falling apart?

'"Clearly the pope is concerned about the fact that some people act in a violent way claming that God is behind their actions," says British author Gerard O'Connell, a veteran Vatican watcher based in Rome.' http://www.rferl.org/featuresarticle/2006/09/fcc5cfec-7f18-4774-9937-4364656c80d1.html

Well the Muslims were furious that the pope would imply that their faith was violent and inhuman. So, of course, we've seen all over the Muslim world attempts to prove the pope's disparaging statements wrong. Apparently Palestinian Muslims have set fire to five Christian churches, a Pakistani imam has commanded all of Pakistan to pray that Allah will force the pope to apologize, and groups in Iraq have threatened to suicide bomb the Vatican because of its insensitivity (but let's be honest, who haven't Iraqi insurgents threatened to suicide bomb? I'm pretty sure my grandma's on the list). Way to go Islam! No one can lay on the charm like you guys. When can I convert? (Seriously, I don't want to end up on the list like Grandma)

Now the Mujahadeen Army has allegedly addressed their suicide note to "you dog of Rome" which I object to. . Personally, I feel like they should have been a little more sensitive to the Christian faith, and hailed him as "you whore of Babylon." But that just goes to show you that until their is a common vocabulary between Christianity and Islam, we will never be able to send hateful messages to eachother in a language we all can agree upon.

Now don't think I'm letting Benedict off the hook either. He shouldn't have quoted some long dead Christian emperor to disparage Muslims. Come! On! What are you thinking? We're talking about an entire faith here. We're talking about the 21st century here. Could you perhaps show a little more sensitivity and quote the unadulterated word of Allah maybe?

Here's a fun quote I found from the Qu'ran:

9:5: "Then, when the sacred months have passed, slay the idolaters wherever ye find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them, and prepare for them each ambush. But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then leave their way free. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful."

Oh and this one's good:

9:29: "Fight against such of those who have been given the Scripture as believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, and forbid not that which Allah hath forbidden by His messenger, and follow not the Religion of Truth, until they pay the tribute [jizya tax] readily, being brought low."

And as for those infidels who talk ill of Islam, here's a money line from the Hadith [official orthodox commentary on the Koran]:

"As for those who cannot offer resistance or cannot fight, such as women, children, monks, old people, the blind, handicapped and their likes, they shall not be killed unless they actually fight with words [e.g. by propaganda] and acts [by spying or otherwise assisting in the warfare]. Some jurists are of the opinion that all of them may be killed, on the mere ground that they are unbelievers, but they make an exception for women and children since they constitute property for Muslims."

Sorry ladies, when I'm gone and martyred you're going to be livestock for your Muslim conquerors.

There is a silver lining to this cloud though. Christians and Muslims both agree that there will be an Apocalypse. So when we decide that it's time for final judgment, we'll all be invoking the same destruction of the "four horsemen" (or as the Koran would have it "the lurid dance of the lasciviously unveiled five" aka Jackson 5 aka Flaming Five).

Now it's time to play the waiting game. If Benedict apologizes then angry Muslim extremists win and Mohammed's back on top as my Antichrist. But if he refuses and a Muhajadeen fanatic suicide bombs the Vatican, well then sorry Benedict, but it looks like Mohammed wins. Wait...Well, when the trumpets blare and the Judgment comes, it looks like Martin Luther's going to be eating crow for his bad call.

The New SAS Student Worker, Pt. I

“Records and Registration, this is Satan.”
“OH MY GOD!!!”
click

“Records and Registration, this is Satan.”
“What did you say your name was?”
“Satan.”
“Oh, hi Sara. Is this the number I call to order a transcript?”
“Yes.” fuming, literally. Smoke, sulfer, fire, the works.
“Ok great. I need to have a copy sent to me at my home address, two official copies sent to my school district, a copy sent to my grandma in Uzbekistan, can you do that? and I need on faxed to my psychiatrist, too.”
“We actually need your request in writing before—“
“WHAT!! The hoops you people make me jump though. The HOOPS!”
“Hey I don’t make up the rules, lady. It’s a federal law.”
sigh “Ok fiiiiine. What do I have to do to get my transcript.”
“Well you can make the request in perso—“
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? I LIVE IN MARYLAND HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT???!!???”
unfazed “—or you can mail or fax us the request.”
“OKFINEI’LLFAXTHEDAMNREQUEST!!!”
“Do you need the fax number?”
“What do you think?”
“Alright, it’s area-code 666, 281-gotohellyoubitch! MUAH HAHAHAHAHA…”
CLICK
The name is SATAN.

“Records and Registration, this is Satan.”
“Hi Susan can you transfer me to the School of Ed?”
“Sure.”
“Ok thanks.”
pause
“You said you were going to transfer me?”
“No.”
“Yes, you did...”
“No, I said I could.”
“Oh.”
pause
“Well, can you please transfer me there?”
“Sure one moment please.”
“OHMYGODOHMYGOD WHAT’S HAPPENING??!!!”
“Just hang tight. You should appear, chopped up into several different pieces, in their office shortly. What they decide to do with you is not my problem, but my guess is that you won't be needing your teaching certificate anymore. Have a great day.”
click

“Records and Registration, this is Satan.”
“Ummm… HI! How are you?”
“Oh, well, I could be better I guess. My job satisfaction is waning, this office is hotter than hell, and be-lieve me I know…”
“OH HEE HEE!! Jesus loves you!”
“Anyways, what can I do for you?”
“Ummm… what? hehe?”
“Did you have a question? Do you need help with something?”
“What?”
“This is the Office of Records and Registration. Why did you call.”
“OOOHHH!! I remember NOW!!”
“Shoot.”
“Um so when I registered last week for classes, it gave me this message like ‘you can’t register’ or something, and only one of my classes worked, and the other two I put the little number thingies in the little box thingies and pushed the button or whatever but like when I look at the thingie that tells you like where you classes are and what time they are the other ones don’t show up! And class doesn’t start for like a whole ‘nother week! and I really really really need these classes to graduate! and I’m a super senior (you know like it’s my fifth year?)so shouldn’t I just get into whatever automatically???”
Lights flicker, the earth shakes faintly, then a resounding clap of thunder is heard. An infant, suckling at his mother's breast, refuses the teet and lets out a plaintve wail.
Satan cracks a faint smile, starts humming, and then succumbs to his utter joy and breaks into song, “duh duh duh, another one bites the dust, and anther one down and another one down, another one bites the dust, hey, we’re gonna get you too, another bites the dust! Damn that felt good! BOO-ya!”