31 October, 2007

In which Nick Jacobson is attracted to the subjunctive

Tonight, dear readers, as Nick Jacobson, Pierce "dead to me" Wade, and I were studying for our Catullus midterm, I remarked that all of us were a little rusty on our result clauses and ought to brush up. We hauled out the ol' grammar, and in the process of investigating result clauses discovered the unsung but essential "subjunctive by attraction," in which a normally indicative verb can be sucked into the subjunctive if it is in a subordinate clause within indirect discrourse or a result clause. This appeared to resolve a difficulty we'd encountered earlier in our review, so Nick J turned back to the problematic sentence, and declared, with the hallmark sincerity of his nature, "Oh my God! It's in a result clause AND in indirect discourse. That verb never had a chance!"

This is why none of us should ever get laid.

As for Pierce Wade: Pedicabo te et irrumabo. And that's a promise.

24 May, 2007

Knock, knock.

Who's there?
The Logomachist.
The Logomachist who?
Exactly. I don't exist.

21 May, 2007

Safety is #1

13 May, 2007

Saradamus Speaks

In the effort of keeping this blog alive and simultaneously angering all the male contributors, I will be making some predictions. These predictions come directly from my gut, which some would say speaks more truth than any facts ever could. I trust my gut, and my gut never lets me down.

The school year is almost over. And while this really only affects about half of our immediate blogamily (blog+family), it is at this time of year when I always go straight from normal into yearbook signing mode. I begin to think of people in terms of all the great times we've had, how badly I want to keep in touch, and how I hope everybody stays cool and has a bitchin' summer. But I would like to step this up a notch. I would like to combine my gut feelings with my futuristic predictions. The synthesis will hopefully be an incredibly moving and revelatory account of the futures of our blogamily.

First, Dylan. In 10 years, a 33-years-young Dylan Romero will have tired of the video-game industry. It just couldn't contain is crazy ass creative genius. He will have become a multi-billionaire and moved on to bigger and better things, namely pumping his love all over Europe. I will receive a postcard from Dylan in the mail with a raunchy picture on the front and a vaguely funny caption underneath. On the back, there will be an account of all things night life, as well as an ambiguous and totally open ended story about 5 Quebecois girls, and apartment, a hot tub and some "vino." I will sigh and think, "Man, he's still got it." Years later, when Dylan Romero is a house-hold name because of his hit Travel Channel show in which he is the out-going, spunky, and continually surprised travel "guru" that oh-so-many housewives love, I will write his biography and it will instantaneously become a hit movie.

Next, Collin and Yoshi. They needn't be separated in future predictions because in the future they will never be separated. After graduation, Collin will move in with Yoshi and continue bar-tending while Yoshi works at Karma coffee. Yoshi will get tired of Karma and continue spending the majority of his time at Fremont Coffee. He will be there so frequently and for so long that the employees, more out of necessity than affection, will tell him that he either has to start paying rent or start working there. He starts working there. The two man-friends eventually save up enough money to travel the world together, but end up just traveling to Cambridge together. They sneak to many lectures and ride many bicycles but are forced to return home when they run out of money. They date some girls but none of the relationships last through Collin or Yoshi calling up the other on an imaginary phone to ask if the joke the girl just made was funny or not. Every time a call is made, they come to the agreement that the joke was not funny. Oddly enough, they are unable to see the correlation between imaginary phone calls and the demise of relationships, and the two remain room mates forever and ever.

In 2017, Mark will have amassed enough trivial knowledge to make Alex Trebek weak at the knees. And that's exactly what happens, but not really in a good way. Alex Trebek, upon meeting Mark, realizes that he has finally met his general condescension and trivial knowledge match. He dies happily and suddenly, forcing Mark to succeed him as host of Jeopardy. Some things that Mark brings to the show include hair that actually moves and improvised sound effects that he makes with his mouth.

Nick Kramer, after trekking the globe with his trusty camera and bouncy golden curls, will begin to ask himself some questions. He will set out on a quest that will cover more spiritual territory than geographic. Along the way, he will meet the ghost of Ansel Adams who will tell him that while the "window into the soul" is commonly misconstrued as the eyes, it is really the camera lens. This will kick-start Nick's career as a prominent photographer and I will purchase one of his calendars.

In ten years, Nick Jacobson will have 5 masters degrees, 3 PhD's, and will hold the Guinness Book of World Records for most languages spoken by one person. Dr. Ewald will pass him the torch and Nick will give his very first C. May Marston lecture. Students will marvel at his enthusiasm for pretty much everything as well as his Ultimate Frisbee skills. While they are writing papers and studying for tests, they will wonder what it was like to party with him in college, while still taking him seriously as an academic.

09 May, 2007

03 April, 2007

Hatred Makes the World Go 'Round

This is simply the best product I have ever seen:


Basically, every time you hit the snooze bar on this alarm clock, it donates money to your most hated charity or organization.

Are you a butcher? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to PETA
Are you a republican? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the ACLU!
Are you a land developer? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the Wilderness Society!
Enjoy your freedom? (Blue state version) Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the GOP. or
Enjoy your freedom? (Red state version) Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to MoveOn.Org
Are you a hippie? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to the American Coal Foundation.
Are you a Ninja? Set your SnūzNLūz to donate to, hrrrm, we can't find a Pirate Charity at the moment. But there must be one...somewhere...anyways, the point is it's easy to setup once you identify your enemy!

27 March, 2007

A Murakami Reflection using a shit-load of D's.

"the human mind dwells deep in darkness,"
drown'd by defiled discernment
derived from a dearth delusion
deposited by indistinguishable dreams,
like docile demons directed by
the dogma of capitalism.

-inspired by Dance, Dance, Dance