Conspiracy Alert: Cell Phone Suicide

Another diabolical consumer fraud attempt has reached my conspiracy trained eyes.

I was showering the pungent musk of countless denuded conspiracies off my own denuded body when my cell phone started vibrating (my phone is always set to vibrate in a vain attempt to simulate human contact).

Like an electronic lemming with a seizure (patent pending), my phone traversed nearly six inches of countertop and leapt off the edge, falling to the briny sea of linoleum below. There was no hesitation; the phone knew what it was doing, and only after a lengthy convalescence was my phone able to have its normal, healthy seizures again.

But why jump? I treat my phone well enough. Sure I push its buttons sometimes, but that’s bound to happen in a human-cell phone relationship. The only possible conclusion is that my cell phone has a built-in, intrinsic yearning to destroy itself, requiring its owner – after a short period of mourning – to buy another one.

But just like a piece of toast always lands peanut butter/regular butter/Nutella side down, cell phones always find their way to an edge, thus continuing the cycle of carnage.

The cell phone companies’ plan works too perfectly to be taken with a grain of salt from my brine-encrusted linoleum bathroom floor, because as soon as I realized what they were up to I was left with no means of calling them to complain.

Such is their brand of evil genius.

Not only that, but cell phones give you cancer. That proves the companies behind them are evil.

Our only hope of solving this problem is to appeal to the cell phone companies’ humanity. Alex Trebek recently informed me on an episode of Jeopardy that Verizon Wireless’ name comes from the Latin Veritas, meaning truth. Well Verizon, here’s your chance. Ball’s in your court; let’s see if you have any.