Conspiracy Alert: Alternate Facts

Disclaimer: The following is a paranoid, conspiracy-theory laden look at the world through the eyes of a moderate who's too afraid to talk about how he really feels lest he be stoned by extremists. Enjoy.

I feel I may have been a bit hasty in my earlier conspiracy theory about XL T-shirts in my earlier post: "Conspiracy Alert: Expanding the Fast Food Market."

I didn’t even stop to consider an alternate theory, for if my first theory is proved wrong then surely the this one will be, nay, must be correct.

Perhaps it's not the Fast Food Industry whose at fault after all, but those conniving sewing-machine jockeys in 3^rd world Asia. Perhaps they are producing XL shirts by their own impetus to mock our girth.

If this is the case, we can’t allow them to link our proud national bulk with apple pie as an accurate way to describe what we are “as American as….”

Shut up. That makes perfect sense.

As a deterrent, I propose we give our sweat shop employees a pay cut to say... 9/10 of a cent a day. A preemptive strike would've been ideal, but some people want “proof” and “evidence” before action. These people are Communists. Or hippies.

I know, I know, it's not that big of a pay cut – heck it may even be a raise – but it's the message that's important. Besides, these people have to have enough money to eat three square meals a month so that they will have the strength to make my new Air Jordans in time for Christmas.

I gots to have my sneaks.

But that's not the only benefit of my 9/10^{th of a cent} Proposal. The ala mode on this Pac-rim pie comes from within our own impenetrable borders: that fraction of a cent is a clear shot at Big Oil, deflecting some excess mockery in their direction.

I mean, come on, 9/10 of a cent? Do you think I even care? Bring it on Big Oil, it doesn’t even cost me triple digit$ to fill up my gas tank... yet.