The pope fueling the fire of judgment

Seeing as the past few posts have been largely on themes of eschatology, I would love to report on the latest "next step to Armageddon." And no, my Southern Baptist readers, I'm not talking about the gays. Sorry to disappoint.

Martin Luther once said that Mohammed -- commonly known as the Antichrist in most 16th century theological circles -- was actually not nearly evil enough to qualify for such an admittedly prestigious title. He bumped Mohammed down to second place, in favor of his own favorite candidate for that exotic title "Whore of Babylon," Pope Julius II.

Well I don't really feel qualified to rule in either the Pope or Mohammed's favor for this contest of unChristian infamy. But when the two are at loggerheads, we know things are bound to get pretty spicy. And apparently that is the state of affairs today.

Pope Benedict, while visiting his fatherland Germany, that bastion of Aryan purity, delivered a lovely academic piece to his pale-faced flock on the theme of Faith and Reason. You see, he's really wanting to reach out to those skeptical nihilists of the post-War West. So, naturally, he decided to give a little history lesson on the origin of all those silly syllogisms that agnostic Europeans throw around now-a-days. He wanted to show them that they owe their Western philosophical systems to Christian intellectuals of the past.

Sounds fair enough, especially when we hear that in the middle of his speech, the Pope decided to quote a medieval emperor who, writing to a Persian intellectual in the 14th century, wrote:

"Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as the command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."

Now if that quote does not relate to the problem of Secularism in Western Europe, I don't know what does.

For some strange reason, however, this quote managed to piss off the entire Muslim world (except, I hear, certain British Muslim enclaves, but they're about as Muslim as most Western Europeans are Christian, so they don't count).

Benedict's fall guy, the predictably Italian Legate Lombardi, tried to explain that the pope wasn't talking about Muslims. Obviously he was talking about the faithless malaise in Europe. He was trying to show Europeans that violent fanaticism does not necessarily have to go hand in hand with Christian faith (thus the quote served the same purpose that an "ahem...unlike other religions we know, wink, wink" would have). Even still my dear readers, in the pope's defense, do you not see that provoking the Islamic civilization is really the only way we can keep ours from falling apart?

'"Clearly the pope is concerned about the fact that some people act in a violent way claming that God is behind their actions," says British author Gerard O'Connell, a veteran Vatican watcher based in Rome.' http://www.rferl.org/featuresarticle/2006/09/fcc5cfec-7f18-4774-9937-4364656c80d1.html

Well the Muslims were furious that the pope would imply that their faith was violent and inhuman. So, of course, we've seen all over the Muslim world attempts to prove the pope's disparaging statements wrong. Apparently Palestinian Muslims have set fire to five Christian churches, a Pakistani imam has commanded all of Pakistan to pray that Allah will force the pope to apologize, and groups in Iraq have threatened to suicide bomb the Vatican because of its insensitivity (but let's be honest, who haven't Iraqi insurgents threatened to suicide bomb? I'm pretty sure my grandma's on the list). Way to go Islam! No one can lay on the charm like you guys. When can I convert? (Seriously, I don't want to end up on the list like Grandma)

Now the Mujahadeen Army has allegedly addressed their suicide note to "you dog of Rome" which I object to. . Personally, I feel like they should have been a little more sensitive to the Christian faith, and hailed him as "you whore of Babylon." But that just goes to show you that until their is a common vocabulary between Christianity and Islam, we will never be able to send hateful messages to eachother in a language we all can agree upon.

Now don't think I'm letting Benedict off the hook either. He shouldn't have quoted some long dead Christian emperor to disparage Muslims. Come! On! What are you thinking? We're talking about an entire faith here. We're talking about the 21st century here. Could you perhaps show a little more sensitivity and quote the unadulterated word of Allah maybe?

Here's a fun quote I found from the Qu'ran:

9:5: "Then, when the sacred months have passed, slay the idolaters wherever ye find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them, and prepare for them each ambush. But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then leave their way free. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful."

Oh and this one's good:

9:29: "Fight against such of those who have been given the Scripture as believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, and forbid not that which Allah hath forbidden by His messenger, and follow not the Religion of Truth, until they pay the tribute [jizya tax] readily, being brought low."

And as for those infidels who talk ill of Islam, here's a money line from the Hadith [official orthodox commentary on the Koran]:

"As for those who cannot offer resistance or cannot fight, such as women, children, monks, old people, the blind, handicapped and their likes, they shall not be killed unless they actually fight with words [e.g. by propaganda] and acts [by spying or otherwise assisting in the warfare]. Some jurists are of the opinion that all of them may be killed, on the mere ground that they are unbelievers, but they make an exception for women and children since they constitute property for Muslims."

Sorry ladies, when I'm gone and martyred you're going to be livestock for your Muslim conquerors.

There is a silver lining to this cloud though. Christians and Muslims both agree that there will be an Apocalypse. So when we decide that it's time for final judgment, we'll all be invoking the same destruction of the "four horsemen" (or as the Koran would have it "the lurid dance of the lasciviously unveiled five" aka Jackson 5 aka Flaming Five).

Now it's time to play the waiting game. If Benedict apologizes then angry Muslim extremists win and Mohammed's back on top as my Antichrist. But if he refuses and a Muhajadeen fanatic suicide bombs the Vatican, well then sorry Benedict, but it looks like Mohammed wins. Wait...Well, when the trumpets blare and the Judgment comes, it looks like Martin Luther's going to be eating crow for his bad call.