Notes from Failed Bank Robberies

These are several failed robbery attempts by several different nefarious criminals all of whom went straight to jail and were raped or made into slaves, forever regretting their poor life decisions and lack of weight lifting in high school.

(failed attempt 1)

You,
Don’t be a hero, I have gun. I have to be honest; it’s not a real gun, its one of those ones that shoots little plastic pellets. But I went to this other store my friend Hank “six toes” told me about where they sell metal ones, so I’m pretty sure they would really sting. A lot. So, you know, give me the money now or prepare for some serious bruising.

(failed attempt 2)

Place all of the cash from your till into this bag and you won’t get hurt. Also, is it possible instead of some of the tens I get a roll of quarters? Oh and possible some of those little sleeves they go in? I just bought this awesome coin sorter off an infomercial the other night but you have to buy the sleevey things separate. Oh yeah and throw those pens in there too. I love the gel ones. Do you have any gum? I’m trying to quit smoking, it just seems like a dangerous habit you know?

(failed attempt 3)

Hey Stacy, it’s me Chuck, you know from high school? I sat behind you in Mrs. Slauberg’s typing class. Well it’s great to see you again, could I have all the money? Thanks!
Yours,
Bank Robber(Chuck)
PS You look great. Call me sometime (321-Rich) get it? Because I just became wealthy. Call me, or just hit me up on myspace.com/robbindahood

(failed attempt 4)

Hey, what rhymes with snorkel? Give me all the money, bitch, that’s what! Booya, I got you so good. You should have seen your face.

(failed attempt 5)

This is soooooooooo embarrassing, but like, can I have all the money in the bank. Don’t be fooled my totally slamming body, I’m a cold hard bitch. Oh wow, just like that song! (Starts singing) Don’t you just love it?!

(failed attempt 6)

Is that security guards gun loaded? Really? No way. I don’t believe you. So just for fun, let’s play a little prank on him. I’m gonna hold this gun to your face and you act all like you are giving me the money and stuff and we’ll just see what happens. But seriously I am robbing you. So I hope you are wrong about the whole “it’s a real gun and he’ll kill you thing.”

(failed attempt 7)

Hi there, would be inappropriate to ask, instead of for the money in my account only, for the entire monetary sum of the vault? Is that what you all call it? The VAULT? It sounds so intimidating. Not like you, with your plunging neckline and the way your delicate fingers depress that bright red security button. Are those bars over the door real steel? Wow. Color me impressed!

(failed attempt 8)

(Bank robber Runs out the door with bag of money. Elderly Woman approaches)Hello there dearie. I was just wondering if I might be able to get a copy of those surveillance tapes. That was my grandson Jeffery’s first hold up and I am just so proud. You know how grandparents are. We hoped he would be a big football star, but he just said all he ever wanted to do was intimidate people with a midsized firearm. It seemed strange at the time, but we thought he was just being “cute.” Want to see pictures of him potty training?