Girls I Haven't Known

Straight from a leisurely day at a coffee shop in Bath, and by popular demand (meaning Sara casually mentioned it), I bring you: what would happen if I dated the following random single girls from British Isles Quarter:

Janelle: This particular relationship would end when Janelle realized that she'd been mistaking Dylan for her Chia Pet. The split would also mark the end of Dylan receiving free weekly haircuts.

Jyl: This relationship would hit the skids upon Dylan attempting to claim the new Guinness record for world's longest fingernails. After a forceful attempt to trim Dylan's fingernails, armed with a pair of hedge clippers, Jyl breaks off the relationship, allowing time for her emotional and physical fingernail scratch wounds to heal.

Anna: After 20 years of marriage, Dylan becomes deaf to the unique and particular pitch of Anna's laugh. Thinking she no longer finds him to be humorous, Dylan releases his pent up resentment on their Bull Terrier, Footy, by kicking him in the hindquarters and telling the poor, ignorant animal that he should blame Anna for naming him Footy, thereby giving Dylan the idea to kick him in the first place. Anna, being oblivious and trusting by nature, assumes that Footy's bladder problems have resumed and Dylan is merely disciplining the animal. The next day, she calls the vet to get a prescription for Footy. Dylan overhears Anna ordering the medication, but what Dylan fails to hear is Anna laughing after joking with the vet that her husband "has a terrible problem down there." Thinking that Anna is referring to his unfortunate erectile dysfunction, and is finally willing to order a prescription to alleviate the problem, Dylan waits anxiously for the prescription to come. Upon its arrival, he immediately takes a pill and waits for Anna to arrive home from her book club. Anna returns exhausted from discussing Mrs. Dalloway to find her husband willing, but very unable to perform. Humiliated, Dylan runs out of the bedroom, slips on a puddle of urine and dies from massive brain hemorrhaging. Anna grieves while taking consolation in Footy, doting over him and curing him of the bladder problem that killed her husband, and was ironically caused by repeated concussive blows to the ass.

Obviously, England was taking its toll on me by this point.