Conspiracy Alert: Expanding the Fast Food Market

Disclaimer: The following is a paranoid, conspiracy-theory laden look at the world through the eyes of a moderate who's too afraid to talk about how he really feels lest he be stoned by extremists. Enjoy.

My softball team recently concluded our astonishing run to 3rd place in our league - a league which I believe consisted of somewhere in the neighborhood of two teams. Give or take.

Our distinguished prize? T-shirts.

The league’s vast selection boiled down to XL or a duvet cover with arm and head holes. Is this a simple case of more cloth for your coin, or something far more sinister? Pardon me for revealing my political allegiances, but I’m pro-choice – especially when it comes to t-shirt sizes (and seeing as t-shirts aren’t babies you pro-lifers can cram it with walnuts…*).

So the question arises: who is behind this approach to casual torso duddery that caters largely to the large?

You wouldn’t expect to go to a pizza place and only be able to order an XL pizza would you? Of course not! This is America: you should expect to get at least three sizes bigger than XL. I recommend the “Sun Eclipser” from Pizza Hut.

That’s when it hit me: fast food. All those pizzas and miscellaneous meat patties are needed to fill out the free XL t-shirts that are given away as prizes for softball and other nominally sport-like activities.

American citizens are forced to live up to Fast Food Industries hefty expectations lest they be mistaken for infants, rappers, or anyone else similarly unable to communicate intelligibly.

So the next time some cotton peddler tries to force their super-sized apparel onto you, be sure to show your disgust; spit on them if necessary; tell them to stop being a slave to the Fast Food Industry; then check to make sure the person offering you the t-shirt isn’t handing them out to support a 5k combating obesity.

Actually, you might want to check on that first.

And for all you naysayers who think I’m a mere conspiracy theorist, remember this: theories are conjectural; what I write is pure untainted truth. If you must call me names, be accurate: call me a conspiracy factist.

*…that weren’t picked from a tree prematurely but died of natural, falling-related causes.